Feedback From a Nice Jewish White Girl with a Naughty Side

I like turtles.

Continuing a fun tradition I started a while back (here), these are a few of the most awesomely bad messages I received throughout the month of November. The emails are in their entirety and have unfortunately not been edited at all.

• “So am I eventually going to get a message back? If not, let me know so I stop messaging you.”

[Here’s a thought: Maybe my lack of response was me telling you to stop messaging me. My messaging you would completely ruin my plan to ignore all your previous messages.]

• “Damn you’re a pretty white girl. I have to ask, are you into muscular black men??”

[Eeww]

• “Hey I’m Dan and really liked you profile, I’m a writer too what kind of magazines do you write for?”

[A writer who doesn’t know how to use punctuation? Call me judgmental, but this is just unacceptable.]

• “34 tooooo old? Even if its a young 34 ;-)”

[Well maybe if you’d written me a sweet, normal message that indicated something about you other than you being outside my age range, 34 would not be too old. But you seem a little too hung up on age, so I’m gonna say no.]

• “I don’t message many people, only those I think I would get along with, so I’ll try once more, it’s multiple choice: Which of the below applies?A) I’m “hella” (yes, hella, I picked it up in Berkeley) busy and don’t have time to reply right nowB) I like turtlesC) Go drown yourself in a pool of beer because I refuse to replyD) hide yo kids hide yo wife!E) Damn, you’re kinda awesome, but I’m swamped with stupid messages from other dudes, what’s up?”

[I like turtles.]

• “your smile is so warm

  eyes sparkle

  nice jewish girl

  or a naughty side

  i really liked that necklace collar you wore in one of those pics

  would you ever consider dating an older single m?”

[First of all, this guy was 54. Just a tad out of my age range. I spent some time trying to figure out what this message was. A haiku? A limerick? It’s none of those things—just a string of creepy phrases placed next to each other.]

• “So I was maybe expecting a bit more of an interesting read for a profile from a writer, but I guess I have inflated expectations…. Wouldnt be the first time for someone on an online dating site, or even in dating, haha.”

[Wait, seriously? You emailed just to say that you don’t like my profile and that I’ve reaffirmed your distaste for dating on general? Ouch.]

—Raz, 26, NYC