I like turtles.
Continuing a fun tradition I started a while back (here), these are a few of the most awesomely bad messages I received throughout the month of November. The emails are in their entirety and have unfortunately not been edited at all.
- “So am I eventually going to get a message back? If not, let me know so I stop messaging you.”
[Here’s a thought: Maybe my lack of response was me telling you to stop messaging me. My messaging you would completely ruin my plan to ignore all your previous messages.]
- “Damn you’re a pretty white girl. I have to ask, are you into muscular black men??”
[Eeww]
- “Hey I’m Dan and really liked you profile, I’m a writer too what kind of magazines do you write for?”
[A writer who doesn’t know how to use punctuation? Call me judgmental, but this is just unacceptable.]
- “34 tooooo old? Even if its a young 34 ;-)”
[Well maybe if you’d written me a sweet, normal message that indicated something about you other than you being outside my age range, 34 would not be too old. But you seem a little too hung up on age, so I’m gonna say no.]
- “I don’t message many people, only those I think I would get along with, so I’ll try once more, it’s multiple choice: Which of the below applies?A) I’m “hella” (yes, hella, I picked it up in Berkeley) busy and don’t have time to reply right nowB) I like turtlesC) Go drown yourself in a pool of beer because I refuse to replyD) hide yo kids hide yo wife!E) Damn, you’re kinda awesome, but I’m swamped with stupid messages from other dudes, what’s up?”
[I like turtles.]
- “your smile is so warm
eyes sparkle
nice jewish girl
or a naughty side
i really liked that necklace collar you wore in one of those pics
would you ever consider dating an older single m?”
[First of all, this guy was 54. Just a tad out of my age range. I spent some time trying to figure out what this message was. A haiku? A limerick? It’s none of those things—just a string of creepy phrases placed next to each other.]
- “So I was maybe expecting a bit more of an interesting read for a profile from a writer, but I guess I have inflated expectations…. Wouldnt be the first time for someone on an online dating site, or even in dating, haha.”
[Wait, seriously? You emailed just to say that you don’t like my profile and that I’ve reaffirmed your distaste for dating on general? Ouch.]
—Raz, 26, NYC
When Bad Dates Happen To Good People 
kyxcereal
December 14, 2012
I had this gem pop-up in my in-box:
“Hey, thanks for checking out my profile. I really love seeing the growing statistics. Just kidding.
I understand you are too busy to compose a decent response to me, so here are some options to save you time. Just copy-paste one of them in your reply. Easy, huh?
1. You’re hot, but I moved out of the country three years ago and was ever too lazy to change my profile.
1. You’re hot, but too laid back for me. Sorry for not letting you know earlier. Good luck with your search.
2. You’re hot, I was just too busy dating people from match.com. They all turned out to be lame, so let’s get together for drink next week.
3. You’re hot, but I’m lesbian. This profile is only a cover-up.
4. I’m a guy, this profile is only a bait to get great ideas of how guys approach gals on this site. Thank’s for the advice, this is amazing. Can I also steal some of your pictures, you’re hot!
4. This is not funny at all. I take myself way too seriously to even react to this… But you’re hot!
Keep on rocking!”
[Did you notice that he can’t count?]