Yup…I Pass

But do I have to have them all at the same time?

Back by popular demand (and because I’ve received so many bad OkCupid messages that I’m starting to think these men know I’m collecting them), here’s a compilation of some of the best bad emails I’ve received lately. They are unedited, they are unfiltered, and they definitely didn’t get a response.

1. “So when are we going out, moving in together, getting engaged, and making babies?!!?!

Thanks for the itinerary and 4 boys!”

[Thanks for not concealing your creagerness (that’s creepy eagerness. I just made it up.) Pass.]

2. “Hey, I need an answer to a question only a woman can answer. I just saw a girl I used to date, and she invited me to her birthday party. I said I would go, but I’m afraid she might get the wrong idea if I do go, and think that I’m still interested in her. Should I just not show up, or is there something I can do to show her I just want to be friends? I am Dan by the way 🙂 what’s your name?”

[If you’re reading this, here’s my advice for you, Dan: Don’t sweat it. She’s probably not into you. Why? Anyone that asks for advice about an ex before they even ask a girl’s name is way too annoying/high maintenance to be considered a good candidate for a date and/or Birthday hook up. Party it up! Oh, and pass.]

3. “looks pretty good-my grandparents are from the north shore
writer-what kind of subjects?
love boston
movie-departed
what kind of cheese?”

[Wait, what? Pass.]

4. “Wow, you’re stunning.

I know this message comes off as lame and “typical jerkoff trying to fuck hot chick after meeting her for a minute.” However, consider this an “I need to message this woman normally” type message…

Until that happens (which hopefully won’t be too far off), be well.

P.s. I did not mean the first sentence in any sexual light. You are just really pretty. Beautiful!”

[Well, sir, if you hadn’t spent the entire message apologizing for calling me stunning (which was actually nice), I might have considered you. But I can’t date a man who gives me a compliment and then second guesses himself. Pass.]

5. “Ouch….damnit!! When I saw your pic I passed out and hit my head on the keyboard!! So I’ll need your full name, number and name of your modeling agency for insurance reasons *shakes fist*… But I’ll settle for a coffee or drink sometime hehehehe 😉 ”

[Do not giggle and wink at your own awful joke. Pass.]

6. “I just stared at your profile for 30 minutes trying to think of what to say to get you to say “take me now, daddy” and this is the most I’ve had to work for a girl.”

[Waste of time. I have never, and will never, say that phrase. Also, ewww. Pass.]

7. “Did you hear the one about the deaf man the church bells? No? Neither did he!

If you laughed at that joke, we’ll probably get along. If you rolled your eyes at that joke, we’ll probably still get along. If you had any feelings besides complete and utter disgust at that joke (or completely and absolute befuddlement)….well, yeah, we’ll probably still still get along (get it? Yeah, I’m a bit of a goofball.)”

[I don’t think we’ll get along. Pass.]

8. “Obviously you can see my profile too : D

If you are interested please contact me 😉

Thank you gorgeous”

[Obviously, I choose not to bother looking. : P Thanks for your permission, though. Pass.]

9. “Are you rolling face in your last photo?”

[Well if you have to ask… Pass.]

10. “Don’t judge me by my profile. I didn’t put much effort into it”

[So what should I judge you by? This message? Pass.]

—Raz, 26, NYC