Welp, Back to Being Single

“Please don’t eat us.”

The best and worst part of online dating usually has nothing to do with the dates. It’s all about the messages. Here are the ten most creepy, hilarious or just plain weird unsolicited messages I’ve gotten this month (Yup, this is only one month’s worth). Unfortunately, they have not been edited at all (except one changed name). What do you think? Should I have emailed any of these smooth-talking bachelors back?

1. “oh my gosh, you are gorgeous. welp, back to masturbating.”

[Welp, back to running away.]

2. “I think your adorable and think we should hang out sometime have a drink and get to know more about eachother.”

[So many typos! So little punctuation! I just can’t handle it.]

3. “For our first date how about some dinner? I was thinking we could base jump to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, while we’re falling I would whip out a box of camping matches and cook you a can of Progresso Chicken Noodle soup and we could discuss the difference between jam and jelly. If we really hit it off then you can eat it from my mouth when we get to the bottom. But I’ll bring a bowl just in case.”

[This was almost clever… until you asked me to eat soup out of your mouth. WTF?]

4. “Hi I’m Justin. I’m a normal person, who is enjoying living in Brooklyn. Do You want to get brunch sometime?”

[If you have to tell me you’re normal, I’m gonna go ahead and assume you’re not.]

5. “I love that pretty smile. I hope you have many reasons to have those over and over and over and over.”

[This just makes you sound like a serial killer.]

6. “I flatter myself that I do not at all take myself seriously. If my level of taking myself seriously were an altitude, it would probably be somewhere in the Marianna Trench.”

[Good to know…]

7. “If you want my fb is Jonathan ‘Jon Smith” Smith . You can chat there to if you want”

[But, I don’t even want to chat here…]

8. “speaking of new things in the city, I ended up on a random party on a half-sunken tugboat the other day. that’s a new one. speaking of mindless movies, just watched a few of the step up ones. no apologies. hey, I’m kung.”

[Hey Kung, when were we speaking of those things?]

9. “Well, this is awkward. I just read an article in one of those psychology magazines and, since I believe everything I read, it turns out online dating is a hoax. The numbers lied, I’m not your soulmate. You must be devastated. In fact, I’m just some stranger person sending a random message to someone who might as well live on the surface of the sun. Fuck. *turns back into the Beast sans chateau and massive fortune, eats an ENTIRE box of kittens I’ve been saving for just the occasion*”

[Again, almost clever until you mentioned eating a box of kittens…]

10. “your last pic is a quasi optical illusion. I’m not a pervert (ugh, sounds so bad writing a sentence like this one); but if you do a quick glance, it looks like you’re spread eagle in it.”

[If you feel the need to tell me you’re not a pervert… Also, my legs are crossed in that picture.]

—Raz, 25, NYC