Attachment Issues

This story is from Sam, a 27-year-old student in L.A., as told to Raz:

Wedding’s are a great place to meet girls, right? I say, wrong.

At a friend’s weddings, I tend to assume that everyone is awesome because they’re also friends with my awesome friend. That’s the assumption that lead me to my experience with Kim.

We met at my friend Alyssa’s wedding. Kim was seated next to me at the twenty-somethings singles table. She was cute and chatty, so we hit it off immediately. She mentioned that her boyfriend of seven years had just broken up with her. That should have been my first red flag that this girl was not quite ready for casual dating—or a wedding night hook up.

I missed that flag and asked her to dance. Once we got to the dance floor came the inevitable slow song and the shit hit the fan. In short, she had pegged me as her next boyfriend, and rushed straight past “let’s get to know each other” to “till death do us part.”

Examples of our conversation: She told me she wanted to get a dog. More specifically, a poodle. I told her I wasn’t a fan of poodles, but was more of a golden retriever guy. “Well, how about we get a golden doodle?” she asked. Ah yes, we should do that.

I told her I was originally from Chicago (where the wedding was) but living in L.A. She told me I should move back to Chicago ASAP and offered to hook me up with her dad, who she was sure could instantly offer me a job that would set me up in Chicago for life. The fact that I was in law school and had two more years until graduation didn’t seem to faze her.

Here’s the kicker: A cute kid (tuxedo and all) started dancing next to us with his parents.

“That’s cute,” she said.

“I’ll give you that,” I responded.

Her face lit up. “You’ll give me children?!”

Whoa.

“As an aspiring attorney, I appreciate the power of words,” I said. “Allow me to clarify: I will not give you children, but I agree that that child is cute.”

Dog + job + kids = Not what I signed up for. That was the longest slow song ever.