Hammer Time

At this point, I still thought he was normal…

This story is from Rebecca, a 25-year-old journalist in NYC, as told to Raz:

After my first date with Alan, I really, really liked him. After several online dating disasters, I was thrilled, and became one of those girls who would check my phone every hour just hoping he’d called. When he hadn’t called after four days, I started wracking my brain for what I had done wrong. Were my jokes not funny? Was I a bad kisser? Was he just not that into me? How had I misread his signals? The list of questions went on and on.

When it had been a week since our date and I’d all but given up hope, he texted. His phone had broken, he said, and he’d been waiting for his replacement to come in the mail so he could ask me out again. He loves me!

While I was a little nervous that I’d built him up more than he deserved, I happily accepted his invitation to do dinner and drinks on a Saturday night.

Admittedly, he wasn’t as cute or charming or hilarious as he seemed up on my pedestal, but we did have a really good time on our date, which started with a few beers at Honky Tonk Tavern followed by Mexican tapas at Maya. I could definitely see myself falling for him. Near the end of dinner, it came up in conversation that I’d never seen The Dark Knight.

“It’s On Demand now,” he said. “If you’re up for it, we could go back to my place and watch it.” I was up for it.

Glad that I’d decided to get a wax that morning, I followed him to his apartment, and we settled on the couch. First setback: Dark Knight was no longer on demand. We settled for Up, which neither of us had seen. If you’ve ever seen Up, you know why that was a bad idea. The first twenty minutes made me sadder than when Mufasa dies in The Lion King. Oh Disney, you get me every time. But we had fun with it. Alan was stroking my arm the entire time, and by the time Dug the dog made his first appearance, we were making out.

When he asked if I wanted to move to the bedroom, I didn’t hesitate. Thus began setback number two. And this one was a doozy:

As soon as we got to his bed, all kissing and caressing ceased, and he just started humping me. Literally. We were fully clothed, I was on my back, and he was just jackhammering his crotch into mine at lightning speed. Bang bang bang. Like monkey sex with pants on, zipper to zipper. Bang bang bang. My first instinct was to laugh. There’s no way this felt good for him! His poor penis was probably being crushed! But he had this goofy smile on his face like he was having the time of his life. I bit my lip, and tried to contemplate how I could change the pace of this hook up. But before I could make my move, he’d grabbed my legs and put them on his shoulders. Bang bang bang goofy smile. I was dying on the inside. Any thoughts I had of actually having sex with him were long gone. If this is what he considered foreplay, I had zero interest in the main event. Bang bang bang goofy smile. I grabbed him and tried to roll him over. Maybe I could backtrack and lead this into a normal sexual encounter. But then he just started slapping my crotch with his hand! I was in shock. Had he never worked the female body before? Was he a virgin? Had any girl actually admitted to liking this? So many questions, so little time. I had to get out of there! He went to pull off my shirt, and I grabbed his hand.

“This is going a little too quickly for me,” I said. “I’m sorry, I should go.” I stood up.

“Don’t be sorry,” he was beaming. “I’m going to sleep so well tonight!”

I couldn’t keep my self from snorting out a laugh at that comment.

After a quick peck to say goodnight, I bolted down his stairs and as far away from him as possible. What had just happened? I couldn’t control my laughter anymore, and immediately called a girl friend to tell her everything.

“How was the date?” she asked.

“Well,” I said.  “I’m in desperate need of a strong cocktail and an ice pack for my vagina.”

But when I got over the absurdity of my experience, I was mostly just sad. Even the normal ones that I meet online are freaks—and not in a good way. This whole dating thing was going to be much harder than I thought.

Rebecca is a frequent contributor!
Liked this tale? Here are three more stories about her:

“It’s Filler Time”

“The Tournament”

“Pirate’s Booty”