We Need to Talk About Kevin

I mentioned my first ever online date in a previous post, ”Risky Business,” but there was so much more that happened on that never ending date. My friends will forever refer to him as Sushi Boy because of this little doozy:

So, Kevin was a nice Jewish “business man” from upstate. We’d emailed a little online and agreed to meet for dinner via text. “How’s 5pm on Sunday?” he asked. While secretly wondering whether he was an 85-year-old grandpa taking me to the early bird special at the buffet, the truth was, it was kind of a busy week and I had no plans for Sunday late-afternoon. “Sounds good,” I replied. Then he said, “Great, meet me in Bryant Park. I hope you like sushi!”

A man with a plan! I liked him already.

On the Sunday in question, after an awkward text conversation trying to locate each other in Bryant Park (which is pretty big), I met Kevin. He was normal looking enough. Shorter and a little heavier than his online profile pictures, but I wasn’t totally turned off. That is, until he opened his mouth…

“So, do you know any good sushi places around here?” he asked. Turns out, man with a plan had no plan at all. Shit.

“Ummm, no,” I pulled out my phone to look something up, and as we walked the 20 minutes to the nearest sushi restaurant (in my sexiest date heels), I went from mildly peeved to full out pissed. Who picks a meeting place without looking up nearby restaurants?! Who decides on a type of cuisine without any thoughts to where they actually serve said cuisine?! The walk was abysmal—I found out that he lived with his parents, his “business” didn’t exist and that he basically had zero ambition for his life—and by the time we got to the place, I was ready to head home.

But alas, we sat.

Kev: What kind of sushi do you like?

Raz: I’ll eat anything.

Kev: Me too, except I keep kosher.

Raz: Oh, OK. So no shrimp or crab right?

Kev: Right.

Raz: How about the Sushi Platter for Two?

Kev: I can’t eat that. It has eel.

Raz: Oh I didn’t realize that eel wasn’t kosher?

Kev: Yeah, eel’s not kosher, because it’s a shellfish. Shellfish aren’t kosher.

Raz: Eel’s not a shellfish.

Kev: Yup. You’ve just never seen them in their shells.

Raz: Listen, I believe you that it’s not kosher, but eels are like underwater snakes. They definitely do not have shells.

Kev: What about the Salmon Lovers Platter?

Raz: Fine.

Insert more awkward conversation (to be spelled out in a later blog), before our platter finally arrives. It includes salmon sushi, salmon sashimi and salmon maki. A little boring, but I’m thankful to have something to do with my mouth besides make small talk with Kevin.

He picks the sashimi—basically a slab of salmon—and happily puts it in his mouth before he VIOLENTLY SPITS IT BACK OUT ONTO HIS PLATE!

“Oh my God! Are you OK? Did you choke? Is the fish bad?” I panicked.

“That’s just raw fish!” he was literally shocked.

“Yeah…” I was speechless.

“I don’t think I like sushi.”

—Raz, 25, NYC