A Grouper Is Not A Fish

Posted on May 7, 2013


GroupergramGrouper is probably the least creepy way to online date. Why? Your friends are with you the whole time. The main reason I started this blog was so I could say, “Hey friends, look how awful this date is going!” But on a Grouper, all I need is a safe word and I can easily announce to my friends, who are already on the date with me, that I want out.

For Grouper newbies, here’s how it works: You sign up with two of your same-sex friends. Grouper matches you with three friends of the opposite sex and sets a time and place. The six of you show up at designated time and place and drink heavily. Voila!

So one Wednesday evening, my friends Lillian and Carrie and I headed to The Stanton Social for a Grouper, armed with our safe word, “bananas.”

As soon as we saw the tiny Asian hipsters approaching from the other side of the bar, we knew they were not our soul mates. But we’re good sports, so we introduced ourselves and ordered a round of drinks. To avoid any more one-on-one conversing than was absolutely necessary, I suggested we play a game.

Enter: “Never Have I Ever,” the best bad first date game ever.

We went around the table, announcing things we had never done, keeping things pretty PG. “Never have I ever gone bungee jumping.” “Never have I ever been to Asia.”

Then, Kevin, the guy sitting to my right, said, “Never have I ever been on a date with a Caucasian.”

(Side note: my friends and I are all white.)

“You’re on a date with three Caucasians right now,” I said.

“You know what I mean,” he said, “like I never have voluntarily.”

None of the other guys could say they had either. At least now we knew that no one on that date was attracted to each other.

“This shit is bananas,” said Carrie.

We went around the circle again, and then things came back to Kevin.

“Never have I ever given a girl head,” he said.

“What?” The girls were shocked.

“No, no,” he said, “I’ve gotten head. I’ve just never given it.”

Thanks for clarifying, Kevin. We heard you the first time.

“Wait, so you’ve refused to do it?” asked Lillian.

“I only had to refuse once in high school,” said Kevin.

“This shit is bananas!” said Carrie.

After that drink, the girls said we wanted to call it a night. We “had to use the ladies room” before heading home, so we said our goodbyes inside with a round of awkward hugs. As I was patting Kevin on the back, he asked, “So we’re all gonna do this again, right?”

Carrie and Lillian were already halfway to the bathroom, so I just took off running after them, and called back to Kevin, “Yup! Groupers are great!”

Oh Kevin, you meant you wanted to do another evening with us? That shit is bananas.

—Raz, 26, NYC

Posted in: My Stories