Stranger Danger

Nothing like hearing “I love you” from a woman…unless you just met her 30 minutes ago.

This story is from Mario, a 24-year-old consultant in NYC, as told to Raz:

When I got home from this little adventure, it was 4am, and I was exhausted. But I still realized that this story was too good to forget in a drunken haze, so I wrote it all down before passing out:

On a Friday night, I met up with a friend at a bar in the East Village. He’d come from a pre-game and had brought a bunch of girls I didn’t know. We all took a shot together. Then one of the girls grabbed my hand, and led me to the bar’s lower level with her.

Once downstairs, I offered to buy her a drink. While we were waiting to be served, I talked with her briefly and we exchanged names. Hers was Claudia, and she told me that mine, Mario, was a very strong and classic name. However, throughout our conversation she kept forgetting it, and asked me countless times to repeat it. While we were standing at the bar, she told me she thought I was gay. I told her I was, in fact, straight.  She said she didn’t believe me, and I laughed it off, thinking she was trying to be funny.

With drinks in hand, we started to wander and ran into Claudia’s friend, a cute brunette. I had a brief conversation with the new girl and thought she was really cool, but that seemed to set Claudia off. She pulled me away and we started making out. Every so often, though, she would stop to ask me if I was sure I wasn’t gay. This was getting annoying.

Later, we were dancing and she said, “If you were straight, I would take you to my place and ride you so hard. Then, I would get back on top and ride you again. Then I would go down on you.”

Damn. I took the bait, and said, “If I were gay, would I have a boner right now?” She felt my jeans and smiled. I suggested we leave, and she agreed.

On the way out, her cute brunette friend asked me for my number, and called my phone to check it. In retrospect, she thought I was bringing Claudia back to my place and was trying to protect her. At the time, I didn’t know what was going on, but I hurriedly did what she asked, and headed to Claudia’s place.

She lived in the building right next door. As soon as we got to her room, she leaned back on her bed to take off her shoes and tights. I climbed on top of her and we started making out. Then she said, “I love you.”

I pulled back and looked at her funny. I couldn’t understand exactly what she said as she pulled me back down to her, but I think it was, “I say that when I’m going to cum.” I assumed I’d heard her wrong—I’d only been touching her boobs!—and went back to making out.

Next, she started biting my ear, and then whispering, “I love you, I love you, I love you.” I thought she must have been fucking with me, but she seemed totally serious.

Then she took off her underwear. Meanwhile, I’m fully clothed, North Face and all. Still stripping, she said we could have unprotected sex since she’s on the pill, but I told her that was a bad idea. Her response? “It’s us. There’s nothing to worry about.” Us?!

“I met you 30 minutes ago,” I said.

She took that opportunity to ask about my sexuality again. I was beyond over this. “Yup, I’m gay!” I said in the most flamboyant voice I could muster.

I told her it was time for me to leave. But she stood up, now completely naked, and blocked her door. I said it wouldn’t be good for us to hook up tonight, and that I’d call her tomorrow. We exchanged numbers, but at this point, I was concerned about this girl’s mental state. When I tried to leave her room again, she pushed me back towards her bed. I remember thinking, “This would be rape if the genders were switched.”

I told her that I wanted to leave, but that upset her even more and she started to cry. When she curled up on her bed, I took the opportunity to leave.

On the way back to my place, I called her cute brunette friend to let her know that Claudia might need someone to take care of her.

The next morning, Claudia texted to ask if I wanted to go to a movie with her. I declined.