WWASKD (What Would A Serial Killer Do?)

Posted on April 16, 2013


Enticing... but still no.

Enticing… but still no.

Because it’s been a while (two whole months!) since I’ve done one of these posts (and because men just won’t stop sending me these terrible things), here are the ten most awesomely bad online dating messages that have recently come across my inbox.

  •  “hey,
    What are you up to this weekend, would you like to join me for a cup of something wonderful and some orgasmic conversation? We’ll make it a quick meeting of 15 minutes and if you’re REALLY psycho, then I could run away and live!”

[Did he just accuse me of being a zombie?]

  • “I thought, perhaps in an effort to give you an insight into my creative side, I’d share my thesis film with you from when I was at NYU. Here is a private link where you can watch it- (Insert link here)
    Hope you enjoy it.”

[What? Why?]

  • “I think you’re better looking than I am. “

[Gotta love a man with absolutely no self confidence…]

  • “Reading through your whole profile was delightful, you are eloquent and sassy with some swagger that can coax the naughty out of anybody, lady, man, and everything in between.”

[I don’t know if he’s trying to let me know that there’s a surprise between his legs or if he’s trying to be clever. Either way: Fail]

  • “I have heard the internet can be a dangerous place so I have devised three questions which will ascertain whether you are a serial killer or not. Think carefully:
    1. If you had to spend a million dollars in a day what would you spend it on?
    2. What is your most prized possession?
    3. If you could wake up anywhere in the world tomorrow where would it be?
    I look forward to your answers.”

[But the real question is: What would a serial killer’s answers to these questions be?]

  • ” have you been with a severely sexually dominant guy?”

[He’s not just sexually dominant. He’s severely sexually dominant. And now that he mentions it, no. But I’m good, thanks.]

  • “Wow ur fucking hot. Wana go to the met with me?”

[Something tells me this guy would feel out of place at the Met…]

  • “Heyy, I just sent you a message on here, but my internet was being weird at the time so I wanted to give it another shot. You seem like a really cool person and it looks like we have a lot in common. So yeah let’s talk and see if there are good vibes.”

[Oh, that’s not so bad, you say? But then later that day…]

.              “I really want to go on a date with you.”

[Uh oh, I smell desperation, Peace out.]

  • “This may be random, but were you in my freshman english class? You look exactly like this girl I had a crush on.”

[This one almost got me. I was about to respond asking what school he went to—then I realized I never took freshman English. I don’t appreciate your trickery, sir!]

  • “Something—zee french would of course call it je ne sais quoi—tells me we’d find each other interesting. Interested?”

[Ugh, this makes me want to die. He was also twice my age.]

  • “Hey, can I get your opinion on something i know is a big issue to a lot of girls? I’m curious to hear your take.”

[Sorry man, I don’t talk about lady issues until at least the second date.]

—Raz, 26, NYC

Posted in: My Stories