It’s A Dog Eat Dog World

Posted on March 12, 2013


Sorry I broke your dog. But look, problem solved.

Sorry I broke your dog. But look, problem solved.

This story is from Jonah, a 26-year-old restauranteur in NYC, as told to Raz: 

Kristy and I had been on a couple dates, and things were going well. For our third date, she said she wanted to cook me dinner. A romantic night at her place? That sounded great.

Dinner was good, and for dessert, she invited me to stay over.

We started making out, and then she asked if I had a condom. I didn’t. “Well, one of us is gonna have to go buy one,” she said.

Obviously, that someone was me. I frantically ran down the five flights of stairs (damn NYC walk ups) to the bodega down the street, and bolted right back up. I was exhausted and sweaty, but I was ready and practically tackled her to the bedroom. My perspiration didn’t seem to bug her. We went at it, and let me tell you, it was worth the impromptu work out.

Afterwards, I went to the bathroom to wash off, and when I got back to the bedroom, Kristy was hysterical. I asked her what was wrong, but could barely make out her answer through her sobs. She repeated it: “Look at my dog!”

She had a dog? Yup, she had a dog. And that dog did not look good. The little thing was whimpering and its eye was red, puffed out and scratched up. Apparently the pup had been panic-stricken watching us have sex, and the only solace he could find was in clawing at his own eye. It was disgusting, and Kristy was a basket case. My conclusion? This dog really didn’t like me on his turf and wanted me out. And he was doing a damn good job convincing Kristy that he couldn’t handle my presence.

But I was not going to fall into the little schemer’s trap. I went into problem-solving mode. I held the dog in one arm, keeping his paws away from his face, and I held Kristy in the other, stroking her head to calm her tears.

Did I mention that I’m terribly allergic to dogs? If anyone had walked in on us they would have thought I’d been crying just as hard as Kristy, with my swollen, watering eyes and stuffy nose. It didn’t take long before my allergies had gotten so bad that I had to leave.

Well, Kristy’s dog, you’ve won this battle. But you haven’t won the war. I’ll be back.

Posted in: His Stories