Red Velvet

There were lots of things that happened on my date with Jeremy that made me not like him. The first was that he showed up wearing a maroon velvet jacket, his too-long hair parted straight down the center and a smug half smile on his face. He was definitely not my type. Here are the rest of the things that turned me off:

• He’d decided on the Empire Hotel for our date. I’d been there on a Saturday, when it was pretty much a club, but thought maybe it would be different on a weekday. It was not. When we got off the elevator, the music was raging. He asked me what I wanted to drink. I heard nothing. He asked again. Nothing. He motioned to the bar, where he ordered me my vodka soda and himself a vodka gimlet. Manly drink, Jeremy.

• So we moved to the patio, where things weren’t as loud. But it was freezing. He seemed comfortable enough in his red velvet, but I had to button my coat up tight. Glad I spent so long picking out my outfit…

• Then there was the time we discussed the high school years. When I asked what his high school was like, he said, “It was just like Gossip Girl.” Manly reference, Jeremy. He said he spent every Saturday and Sunday night going to comedy clubs. “But not cause we thought they were funny. We liked to analyze the jokes, and discuss whether they were funny or not.” Sounds like a hoot!

• I asked him what he did for fun now.

“I’m in this really awesome traveling a capella group,” he said. I think he saw the questionable look on my face, because then he said, “But, yeah, I’m just a typical guy. Pizza and football is my favorite.” Nice save, Jeremy.

“Oh,” I said. “You’re into sports?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Well when New York teams win it’s good for the economy.”

• Suddenly, he stood up. “I’m gonna… [long pause]. I’m going to go… [even longer pause].” Was he really not going to say the word bathroom? “…Do you want a drink on my way back?” The last thing I wanted was to spend another entire drink with him, but he was making it so awkward that I said yes.

• So he brings that second drink back with him—the drink that I never wanted in the first place. OK, I thought, just drink quickly and get this over with. And that I did. Jeremy, however, was not thinking the same thing. It took him two hours—and that is not an exaggeration—to finish that damn vodka gimlet. Great, Jeremy, plenty of time for more awkward conversation. The first question he asked was, “So, what do you YouTube?” Weird question, Jeremy.

• When I got back from a trip to the bathroom, Jeremy was checking his phone.

“How’s it going?” I asked, eying his still almost full glass.

“I’m feeling sad,” he said. “My friend just got friend zoned.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s been on two dates with this girl, and he’s doing everything right. He’s being so romantic, sending her flowers and chocolates every day at work.”

“After two dates?” I asked.

“Yeah.” He said. “He couldn’t have done anything better and she dumped him.”

“I don’t think you can be dumped after two dates,” I said.

• “I’m going to a wedding next weekend,” he said.

“That sounds fun,” I said. “I haven’t been to a wedding since my mom got married last year.”

“Oh, how was that?” he said.

“It was so great,” I said.

“I’m sorry is this uncomfortable for you to talk about?” he said. “I really shouldn’t have asked you about it. I’m getting way too personal, I’m sorry.”

“Wait, what? No, I brought it up.”

“Oh yeah, you did.”

When he finally finished his drink, it was past midnight. I gave him an awkward hug goodbye. “Wow,” I said. “That really is one hell of a jacket.”

—Raz, 25, NYC