In Five New York Minutes (Part 2)

So… where were we? Oh yes, after the epic getting-to-speed-dating adventure (Read about it here), Lucy, Kathy and I were all set to begin. Lucy was at the bar, chugging beers and awaiting her first suitor, while Kathy and I had been positioned in a booth, awkwardly preparing to go on two separate dates in a very small space. We were told to write down everyone’s names and circle those who interested us. A bell would tell us when the guys should rotate to a different girl. Here are a few of the most memorable bachelors from that evening:

The Security Guard.

Jimmy had really big ears. That’s the first thing I noticed about him, and it wasn’t a deal breaker, just an observation. Other than that, he wasn’t bad looking, actually. Then he started to speak.

“How old do you think I am?” he asked. Oh, a guessing game, an excellent way to spend our five minutes together.

“I have no idea,” I said. “How old are you?”

“No no, guess. How old do you think I am?”

“25?”

“No! I’m 23. People always guess wrong!”

While I enjoyed his enthusiasm for this activity, I decided to change the subject. Turns out, Jimmy was a security guard who’s goal was to become a cop.

“What did you do today?” he asked. Uh oh. He was taking charge of the convo again.

“I went to work. What about you?” I asked.

“It was such a long day,” he said. I leaned forward, awaiting an awesome 007-security-guard story.

“I woke up at 5am,” he continued, “to wait in line at this mall upstate. The Kardashians were there!”

“You waited in line to see the Kardashians?” Don’t get me wrong, I love those quirky sisters, but I definitely don’t need the man I’m dating to love them as well. “Were you the only one there who wasn’t a teenage girl?” The words came out before I could stop them. He didn’t seem fazed.

“Ya, except me and my brother,” he said. “But I totally made Kim blush because I told her she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.”

The bell rang.

Carlos x 2.

Carlos #1 spent the entire five minutes of our date telling me how he ended up at speed dating: “I was just here with my friend , also named Carlos, and they told us that they had too many girls and not enough guys, so we told them we’d do it. But speed dating is kind of weird, right?” Glad to know your heart’s in it, Carlos.

Carlos #2 came a few rotations later. “Wow,” he said, sitting back.

“What?” I asked.

“Just wow.”

“So what do you do, Carlos?” I asked, feeling uncomfortable with how intensely he was staring at me.

“Sorry, I just don’t understand why you don’t have a boyfriend. Seriously, why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

“Ummmm”

“No, really, why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

The bell rang.

Joe.

“What kind of music do you like?” asked Joe.

“I don’t really have a favorite,” I said. “I’ll kind of listen to anything.”

“What about Maroon 5?”

“Sure, I like Maroon 5.”

“Name your favorite Maroon 5 song,” he demanded.

“Umm, I don’t know…”

“What about ‘Misery’?” he asked.

“Um, sure. That’s a good one.”

“Do you like James Bond?” he asked. (No segue necessary.)

“Actually, I haven’t seen most of them,” I said. “There are a lot of classic movies that I haven’t seen.”

“Like what?” he asked.

“Like ‘Star Wars’…”

“I hate ‘Star Wars.’”

The bell rang.

The Moroccan.

You guessed it, this guy was from Morocco. “So when did you get to New York?” I asked.

“Yesterday.”

Yup it was this guy’s first full day in NYC, and he was speed dating. He spent the rest of the five minutes telling me about the book that he was writing (his third). I was so bored that I blacked out. He never asked me a single question about myself. Good luck making friends, sir.

The bell rang.

The outsider.

Remember how we left Lucy sitting at the bar, slightly obstructed by a pillar? Afterwards, she told me that the men (most of whom weren’t the brightest crayons in the box) kept getting confused by her location and skipping her in the rotation. Luckily, she had a companion at the bar next to her who never seemed to rotate.

“Are you a part of this?” she asked him finally.

“Nah, I just like to come here and watch the speed dating.” Normal.

Later, after getting skipped again, Lucy found herself once more being talked up by this stranger.

“You know what’s weird?” he asked. “I have these close friends who are married, and we were hanging out last night. They told me that it’s not OK that I don’t wipe after I go to the bathroom.”

Bell.

Vern.

Vern spent our entire date eyeing Kathy to my right. I tried to ask him questions, but he was one smitten kitten. It’s OK, I wasn’t into Vern either—he was extremely unattractive and profoundly socially awkward—but I would’ve appreciated at least a little eye contact.

When the bell rang, I thought he was going to pee his pants with excitement. He scooted over to sit across from Kathy. Distracted by my own date, I didn’t really notice what happened next. But once speed dating was over, Vern approached Kathy and asked for her email address. “Did you give him your real address?” I asked her.

“It’s OK,” she told me. “Once he sees that I didn’t choose him, he won’t email me.”

She was wrong.

After we’d all received an email with our matches—Kathy had not chosen Vern, and thus, she was not on his list—he emailed to ask which of several food tours she’s like to go on with him.

Later that week, after no response from Kathy, Vern sent this:

Hey Kathy,

I’m going to the Garlic Festival in upstate NY this weekend.  Do you want me to get anything for you?

Vern

Nothing says true love like a gift of garlic. Kathy still hasn’t replied.

The Israelis.

I recently went on a trip to Israel, so when there were two speed-dating Israelis—who I otherwise would’ve had nothing in common with—sat down in front of me, making conversation was actually fairly easy. Phew! Then, after the event was over, the girls stuck around to finish our drinks. The Israelis approached. Apparently, they were friends.

“How was your experience,” asked Israeli #1.

“It was fun. What’d you guys think?” said Kathy.

“It was great,” said the same guy, clearly their spokesman. “How many people did you circle?” I realized he was asking me.

The answer was zero, but divulging that would make things far too awkward.

“I can’t tell you that!” I said.

“OK, is it less than three?” he asked.

“Yes.”

That’s when he suggested we all go to dinner. I told him we had plans to meet up with a friend. That was a lie, but it was necessary.

I thought our conversation had already ended when he said, “Just so you know, I circled you.”

“Thanks,” I said awkwardly.

“So if you didn’t choose me,” he continued, “will you give me your number so we can meet up sometime?”

Did he not understand that the point of this activity was to avoid conversations like this?

“You’ll just have to wait and see,” I said.

“Ohhhh,” he smiled, “I know what that means.” I could tell by the giddy look on his face that he didn’t know what that means.

We chugged our drinks and headed home.

The good news? Since I didn’t circle anyone, NY Minute Dating has offered me a free speed-dating session. I’m already pumped for round 2.

—Raz, 25, NYC