Sexnado

I couldn’t bring myself to actually draw what a sexnado would look like… so I went with the sharks.

This story is from Sofia, a premed student in Seattle, WA, as told to Raz: 

I have to admit, I was looking for a one night stand. I met Ryan on OkCupid and he seemed pretty cool. He was a computer science and applied math double major at Berkeley and I definitely find intelligence attractive. Even better: He was only going to be in town for two more weeks to finish up an internship at Amazon. As we talked, our conversations quickly turned to sex. He bluntly told me he’d been having a dry spell for more than two months. He and I definitely had the same motives.

We made plans to hang out after work and watch Sharknado. At his apartment, he opened his laptop and the first page that showed up had the headline “How to remove ingrown hairs.” That should have warned me of how awkward this night would become.

We sat side by side on the couch, and during the entire godawful movie, he didn’t make any moves. Awkwardness loomed over the entire apartment. After the movie ended, he stiffly stood up, turned off all the lights and put his arm around me. Happy for any sign of life, I went along with it. Turns out, he’s really, really into delayed gratification, and we spent what felt like forever just kissing.

Finally, we got to sex, but what I hadn’t realized during all the foreplay was that his package was very small. I’m talking the length of my forefinger! I honestly couldn’t even feel it the entire time—and most of the time, he couldn’t keep it in. After five minutes, he started getting really, really sweaty. I was horrified as his sweat dripped like heavy Seattle rains onto my forehead. Plus, unlike the previous sexual encounters I’d had that were relatively rhythmic, Ryan had to do these short spasm-like undulations since he couldn’t pull out as much as longer guys.

Despite his intelligence and good looks, he desperately lacked in the bedroom. This had been the worst sexual experience I’ve ever had.

To add insult to awkward, after sex he went straight to the couch for the night and left me alone to sleep it off in his bed. The next day, I woke up early and bolted out of his apartment without saying a word.