Which topping would you date?
Ok guys, I’m not saying that every message you’re sending me on an online dating site needs to be an individually crafted personal ode to why I’m the perfect girl for you. In fact, that sounds really creepy. More often than not, a simple “Hey, how are you?” does the trick just fine. With that said, here it is again. I give you my most recent even-if-I-wanted-to-date-you-before-I-don’t-after-reading-that OkCupid messages:
1. As I’m supposed to start a conversation here, riddle me this: if you were a pizza topping, what would you be?
[Pineapple.]
2. i went to school in boston via new jersey… so happy i came back to ny in a hurry… good times but man boston is not it… ny. no place like it..anyyywayyyy.. that’s my note!
[Wait…what?]
3. Personally I think u are simply amazing! Honestly what can I possibly say that u havent heard before? U are exceptionally pretty. Its not like i have never seen a pretty girl before, but no one caught my eye enough, for me to sit here and think how can I impress u. U are beautiful!
[I’m flattered, but no man will have my heart who can’t spell the word ‘you.’]
4. Well there… I think we would be terrible for each other….
Perhaps the first decade or two may be amazing.. but when the physical attraction finally wares off in 25 or so years… and then what?? we will have to rely on entertaining each other with our well developed witty senses of humor…. but what is left when we’ve heard all of eachother’s jokes… there we are… in our golden years.. shriveled like prunes… yea.. awful..
[I actually think this is kind of amusing. I’m sure the 350 other girls he pasted this witty little message to feel the same way.]
5. Hey,
I’m feeling extraordinarily handsome and smooth today 🙂
Do you want to meet for a quick drink and catch up?
[Here’s a hint: If you need to say that you’re being smooth…you’re not being smooth.]
6. so when are we going out, moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, and making babies?!!?! Thanks for the itinerary and the 4 boys! lol
[Let’s wait to plan our baby making until the second date, please.]
6. Hey~ whether “statistic” sucks or not,you are the most matched ever!92%!!!
[I’m not quite sure what he’s saying, but at least he’s enthusiastic about it.]
7. Serious question. Let’s say you’re taking me out for sushi for one reason or another and I haven’t eaten all day. How long does it take you to get ready?
A- 1 hour and I can’t keep my hands off you
B- 20 min and you look ok..
C- 2 hours and do I die from starvation?
[First of all, you better be taking me out for sushi. Second of all, let’s just assume I always look better than OK.]
8. hey hows it going nice to meet you im anthony. I think your really beautiful and i like your personality as well you seem like a smart honest person
[So many words, so little punctuation. I just can’t.]
9. I’ve given up on love for this website so I’m just going to try to make friends with high matching people. Friend? Elliot? ET quote?
[What? Why? This website is full of so many lovable people!]
And then this happened:
10. Regarding your self-summary, if I had friends, I too would like to go out with them as much as possible. But occasionally I’d invite them over to my place to watch movies. I’d call one of my friends on the phone and say “Hey man, do you own Sleepless in Seattle?” And he would and he’d bring it over to my place along with a bottle of wine and some chocolate. Nothing gay though because I am straight. After the movie we’d talk about relationships and tickle each other and laugh (not in a gay way though because I am straight) then listen to Shania Twain in my car on the way to Target. Also, you aren’t the only one who absolutely loves her job, as I am currently the head head assistant chief in charge of ketchup packets at White Castle. I’ve even been promised a promotion to assistant to the managing assistant to the assisant manager’s assistant in charge of assistants in charge of ketchup packets at White Castle in 14 years. So the corporate ladder has my name on every rung. Perhaps I could give you a tour of the kitchen sometime and show you how to work the fryer. I’d even let you wear my visor if you’d like.
[Ten points if you read the whole thing.]
Well, I’m off to White Castle for my fryer lesson. Until next time…
—Raz, 26, NYC
When Bad Dates Happen To Good People 
Ryan
September 21, 2013
It’s so funny how most guys don’t know how to be normal and just act as if they were talking to their best friend. They think there is a need to always try and impress. For online dating the 2 most important things are the subject (which you should base something witty and funny upon reading her profile) and keeping the first email less than 2 paragraphs (she doesn’t want a life story nor to fall asleep).
Always start by introducing yourself (just be normal about it). Make sure you comment about something specific on her profile that you also have in common (ex: I noticed you like to go skiing, I’ve only been a couple of times however I find it rather fun. When’s the last time you got a chance to go skiing? [or] What areas do you recommend visiting that have good beginner slopes?).
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY. Don’t be lazy by typing u, ur, cya, ttyl, etc. Women hate that and if you didn’t have 1 extra second to spare then they don’t have a second for you either. And ALWAYS follow up with only 1 additional email (beyond the first) if they don’t respond after 5 days. If you wait too long that shows laziness. If you wait too little, or send more than 2 emails that go unanswered, that shows desperation. Have fun all you online dating noobs!
Jim
October 1, 2014
Don’t take whatever drugs Ryan takes.