No Ifs, Ands or Butts

Posted on January 7, 2013


buttWhen Leonard messaged me on OKCupid, I thought he was a little goofy-looking for my taste, but went with the flow, and we actually ended up having a good email conversation.

We even discovered that we had a friend in common, so of course, I asked her about him. She said he was a little clueless and tried way too hard with women, but was all in all a good guy. I agreed to go out with him, and we made a plan to go for drinks.

When I showed up, he announced that he’d changed his mind, and instead of drinks, we’d do a food tour of the East Village. I could see what my friend had meant about him trying too hard.

Thankful that I hadn’t eaten very much that day, I agreed. He was clearly a food nerd and got very excited about the cuisine at every stop. Maybe it was the fact that he spent most of the night lecturing me on these restaurants, but I was surprised at how easy conversation was with Leonard and how quickly time flew by. So when he kissed me on the street corner after our third stop, I let it happen.

I told him I was gonna take the bus home, so he walked me across the street to the stop. That’s when he kissed me again, this time a little too intensely. Then he grabbed my ass. Not just lightly stroked it, but grabbed it.

“Whoah,” I said, pulling back, “That was inappropriate.” We were at a bus stop for heaven’s sake!

“Really?” he said, “I thought it was sexy.” Then he leaned in real close and said, “I think you’re sexy.” Normally, I’d be flattered, but this seemed like a different, much creepier guy than the goofy tour guide I’d been eating tortas with a few minutes earlier. Saved by the bus, I hopped on.

I was traveling for the holidays, and had kind of forgotten about Leonard when, about a week after our date, this message popped up on my voicemail:

“Hi Raz, it’s Leonard. I’m so sorry I didn’t call you earlier. It’s been a crazy week and I didn’t just want to text you that I had a great time; I wanted to call you and say that I had a great time.

“Eating was fun, but I especially enjoyed our bus stop make out session—especially the little touch and squeeze. But I’m gonna have to get a better one from you, because I know you can do better than what you gave me. I know it. Give me a shout when you get a chance.”

Ok, so the creepy version of Leonard was clearly the real version, and I had absolutely  no interest in having my touch and squeeze skills worked on. Moving on.

—Raz, 26, NYC

Posted in: My Stories