Jeepers Creepers

Posted on September 14, 2012


This story is from Nikki, a 24-year-old retail associate in NYC, as told to Raz:

Some guys really just ruin it for the rest of them. Like this guy who effectively turned me off from OkCupid altogether with his first and only message. I’m guessing he was going for clever, but his creepiness got the best of him. Side note: this guy’s photo made him look like a serial killer. His black fleece was pulled all the way up to his chin and his black skullcap pulled down over his ears. There was facial hair involved, and he was not smiling. Now on with his message, which confirmed all suspicions that he was the type to skin me for a human coat:

“I saw your face on my OKC homepage and decided to investigate your profile to figure out what moisturizer you use. (I’m guessing it’s a mixture of silk sheets and babies’ bottoms judging by the apparent softness of your skin.) After perusing through your pictures and reading your profile, I didn’t find your moisturizer brand. But I have decided that we are clearly the two coolest and best-looking people on this website, and we should take advantage of it. I say we just get married and make a happy family of perfectly aesthetic children that are so awe striking and awesome they make world rulers drop to their knees and beg to pay us huge sums of money for the genetic code. Then we can live happily ever after, throwing money in the trash and partying like Charlie Sheen. Maybe even adopt an African child for shits and giggles. As you can see, I have this whole thing planned out, so all you have to do after you pop out some kids… actually screw that, you can’t afford to mess up your figure. We’ll get a surrogate mother. So all you have to do is sit by the pool, drink margaritas, get oiled up by hot pool boys and look good all day while I crunch numbers and conduct business. So are you down or what?”

I was not down.

Posted in: Your Stories