Adventures with Benji: Part 1

I take back every bad thing that I’ve said about my other online dates, because this one was worse. I almost want to contact Kevin and apologize for making fun of him. Ok, no I don’t want to do that. Kevin sucks. But Benji is a whole new level of terrible. Benji is the new worst. My first clue that this date was not going to go well: He showed up in a backpack… with all the front buckles buckled. I guess he knew to strap in for this bumpy ride.

The only way I can think to describe this man is to let him do the talking (which is pretty much all he did, for four hours and three restaurants). So, here I present, the best of conversations with Benji:

At the Ace Hotel, to fill the first of many awkward silences:

Benji: I went to see The Lion King on Broadway, but I’m not gay. I know only gay people would do that, but I’m not, I swear.

Another non sequitur:

Benji: My dog sleeps in my bed with me. Do you think that’s gross?

Raz: Ummm, not if you wash your dog and your sheets often….

Benji: Well, It’s not like I’m going to make him wear those little dog booties. Those are gay.

Raz: But you wash the dog right?

Benji: How do you wash a dog?

Then, at the John Dory Oyster Bar::

Benji: So what do you think of our waitress’ hat?

Raz: I think she looks cool. I could never pull off a fedora, but it works on her.

Benji: Because she’s a lesbian?

Raz: Why would you say she’s a lesbian?

Benji: I mean, look at her, in that hat. She’s definitely a lesbian.

And just as I thought he’d literally said all that one person could say without being provoked in one night…

Benji: I’ve been doing that a lot, huh?

Raz: what?

Benji: Everytime I smile, I’ve been sticking my tongue out. I don’t usually do it, but I’ve been doing it a lot tonight right?

Raz: I hadn’t noticed.

Benji: I think it’s endearing.

Raz: You think that you sticking your tongue out when you smile is endearing?

Benji: Of course, don’t you?

Raz: I hadn’t noticed

And then he insisted that we not go home until we ate Mexican food. So, because I care so much about this blog, I followed him… more to come.

—Raz, 25, NYC