Disclaimer Laden Sex-osity (and Other Noteworthy Notes)

It’s that time of the month again, kids. Where I share the worst online dating messages that have cluttered my inbox. I don’t ask a lot from men when it comes to messaging me online. Say hi. Tell me I seem cute and interesting. Maybe, if you’re really good, mention something I talk about on my profile to prove you’ve read it. Don’t, however, do any of the things below. Whether they are uncomfortable, clearly a copy-and-paste  job or just plain creepy, the messages from these guys do not deserve a response.

• “Hey Alexis! So funny bumping into you on this site. It’s been too long. You’re looking good though. New hairstyle?”

[My name’s not Alexis.]

• “I bet I have a question for you that you’ve never been asked.”

[I bet I don’t have an answer.]

• “Well then, I’m just saying hello on the chance and wonder that perhaps my goofy, strip game,fun for fun’s sake, disclaimer laden, sex-osity might just appeal to you on some level….Or uhhhm, something like that. So there! :)”

[So many words. So little meaning.]

• “You seem really sexy and fun, but I am not certain if you are the right person I am looking for. So here’s a little scenario for you. Let’s say we are walking towards each other on the street in the Lower East Side. I make strong, suggestive eye contact and then give a look back a couple seconds later. What do you do?
  A) Crank your neck to get as long of a look as possible
  B) Nervously smile
  C) Pretend to look at something else, but you smoothly catch a last second glance
  – Edward. P.S. I apologize for the long message ;)”

[Why isn’t “D) Jaywalk to the other side of the street to avoid being stared at by a creeper” an option?]

• “Do I look like someone that bites?”

[That’s exactly what someone who bites would say…]

• “I need to put you on notice.
  That I noticed you noticing me.
  Without leaving a note.
  Not(e) ok!”

[OK, I see what you did there. Still, no.]

• “Listen, I’ll be brief.”

[Hahahahaha. Not responding.]

• “HI,
  You are adorable!
  Would you be interested in exploring a “discreet arrangement” with an upscale gentleman? I am kind, intelligent, Ivy educated, and successful in the investment business.
  Take care!”

[All we can tell about this fellow from his profile is that he’s 45 and lives in San Francisco (clear across the country from me.) He has no photo. But since he’s upscale and we’re being discreet, why not?]

—Raz, 26, NYC