Ass Man

Posted on January 30, 2013

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And then the shark would be too busy judging you to attack you.

And then the sharks and piranhas would be far too busy judging you to attack you.

This story is from Laura, a 25-year-old vet student in L.A., as told to Raz:

The new thing in vet school is apparently to join an online dating service—everyone’s doing it. So I jumped on that bandwagon and joined OkCupid. One of my first messages was from a guy named Ryan. We were only a 32% match (never a good sign). His exact, unedited email was:

“Hi! Just wanted to say, I think you have a really nice ass. It’s so hot, I would let a blind epileptic man shave my entire body with a hunter’s knife, then ride a pool noodle through shark- and piranha-infested waters with a bucket of blood balanced on my back, just to get the chance to purchase your bikini bottoms after they’ve been donated to Goodwill unwashed and let hang for five years. Just sayin”

Later that night, a friend posted an article on Facebook called “Woman Sues Match.com After Date Tries to Murder Her.” Needless to say, I think it was this guy.

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Posted in: Your Stories