The Back Door

This story is from Rebecca, a 25-year-old journalist in NYC, as told to Raz:

The first time I hooked up with Damien, this happened. Let’s be honest, the disaster of this date was not entirely his fault. The condom thing was all his roommate, and the rest of it… well, you can’t blame a guy if no one ever told him that porn shouldn’t be replicated in real life. I figured he could be trained. So we set up another date, and I was hoping, if nothing else, he could be my new sex buddy. The following is what happened. And as Dr. Oz would say: Parents, you may want to have your kids leave the room for this one.

Damien and I had a couple drinks at Bua and then headed back to his place. One thing I failed to mention in my first story is that Damien was extremely fond of 69ing—it was one of the many positions he had me try. For the record, I think 69ing is stupid. I can’t concentrate on the pleasure I’m supposed to be getting if your penis is down my throat and my nose is in your asshole. Not to mention how uncomfortable it makes me that your nose is in my asshole. (Frankly, I don’t like anything going near there.)

So of course, he started hookup number two by flipping me around and going straight for the 69. Reluctant but eager to please, I decided to roll with it for a while. I was just beginning to figure out a good breathing rhythm (out through the nose, remove penis, in through the mouth), when suddenly, his tongue abandoned my vagina and went straight for my butt. Into the hole it went, and I tensed. This was not fun for me.

“You like that baby?” he asked. “Don’t you just love when I lick your asshole?”

Did he actually expect me to respond? His penis was in my mouth! It was like when you were at the orthodontist, full of braces and Novocain and the hygienist asked you what you were studying in school—only much dirtier. I grunted and moved my bottom half up, hoping he’d get the idea. He didn’t.

“Do you love when I lick your asshole?” he asked again.

I removed his penis from my mouth and said, “I could take it or leave it.”

It was the first thing that came to mind! But apparently, that was not the answer he was looking for. He flipped me around and went in for the kiss. Um, no. He may have been into licking my asshole, but I most certainly was not into tasting my asshole.

We had sex—no kissing and no buttholes involved. And I left, never to hear from Damien again.