Not Your Average Joe

Posted on June 13, 2012

3


“Will you accept this rose?”

The subject of my next story is super famous, so in the interest of protecting his identity, we’ll just call him Joe Shmo.

I met Joe online, and, though he wasn’t my type physically (he was a little chubby and goofy looking), his emails were sweet and funny and seemingly sincere. After a few messages back and forth, we exchanged numbers. The next night, I was spending some quality time with my couch when he texted me. After establishing that we were both having a relaxing night in, this is the conversation that we had:

 

Joe: Watcha watching on TV?

Raz: The Bachelorette, duh

Joe: Haha, I was on a show like that 😉

Raz: Excuse me?

Joe: Google me. Joe Shmo

 

Google him I did. And to my shock, I discovered that he was on a show like “The Bachelorette”—only it was one of those spin offs where the guys are all socially awkward and unattractive. While I am absolutely obsessed with all things reality (and definitely was an avid viewer when this show was on the air), this discovery about Joe’s fifteen minutes of fame did not turn me on.

 

Raz: Holy shit

Joe: I used to be a big deal 😉

Raz: Haha, I definitely watched that show.

Joe: It wasn’t my best

Raz: Please tell me you have it on DVD

Joe: I do

Raz: First date idea?

 

I know, I know. Inviting myself to his apartment to watch DVDs was not the wisest decision. But he was famous! And so goofy! I had to do it—at least for the story. We made a date for the next week.

Our conversation faded, “The Bachelorette” ended, and I got ready for bed. Just as I was about to drift off, my phone buzzed.

 

Joe: Watcha doin?

 

I went to sleep. The next morning, as I was boarding the bus to work, my phone buzzed again.

 

Joe: Good morning.

 

I’m not a morning person, and never got around to responding. But then that evening…

 

Joe: How was your day?

 

I had to turn my phone off for an event, and I was starting to seriously dislike this constant texting, so I still didn’t respond.

When I turned my phone on later:

 

Joe: That good?! Ahhh. What a difference a day makes 😉

Raz: Haha

 

Well, I had to say something. Then, first thing the next morning…

 

Joe: How’s your week going?

 

A couple hours later, I finally felt awake enough to write back..

 

Raz: Pretty good, how bout you?

Joe: Just went online to email you in case my texts weren’t going through.

 

I did not have a response for this, but I checked when I got home. He had sent me a desperate email through the dating site we’d met on. Was my phone not working? Was his phone not working? He was stressing out. The next morning, another text…

 

Joe: How was your night?

 

You get the gist. He was just coming on way too strong considering we’d never even met. I’d already decided to veto the going to his apartment plan, but then came the final nail in the coffin: he friended me on Facebook. How did he know my last name? And I’m supposed to be unsearchable to those who I don’t have friends in common with—WTF Facebook?!

The next day, I texted to tell him that I’d started dating someone else, and it was to the point where it would be unfair for me to start seeing someone new. Therefore, I was going to have to cancel our date. Yes, the new guy was made up, but this seemed like a much more decent way to avoid him than to tell him the truth—or to just stand him up.

At first, he responded well…

 

Joe: Totally get it. Appreciate the text!

 

Great, problem solved, conversation over. Not so fast…

 

Joe: I’m no pessimist but these things fade quickly, so I’m going to reach out in a few weeks if I’m still single 😉

Joe again: But now that you’re “serious” with this guy, I better not see you logged into any dating sites! Hahahahaha

 

Eeek! Getting rid of this guy was going to be harder than I thought. But I decided against responding. After all, I’d already said I wasn’t interested. I blocked him on our shared dating site. Later that night, I got one last message from Joe.

 

Joe: Yahhhhhhhh. Hello!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yeah, I don’t get it either. Do you think this is why they cast him in a dating show for the socially inept?

—Raz, 25, NYC

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Posted in: My Stories