Red Solo Cup

Posted on May 8, 2012


You know what I like about online dating? That you can check off all your non-negotiables before you even agree to say hello. The first things I look for? Age, religion, politics, height (remember, I’m a heightaholic), job and written description (no typos please!). If someone sends me a message, I tend to check out his profile first, then see what he has to say. Usually, I know before I even read his note whether or not I want to reply.

Then, every once in a while, the email will make me question my initial judgment. For example, a while back, I got the note below.

[A little background: My online profile picture looks something like the illustration. I’m at a party holding a small, red Solo Cup.]

Here’s the message I received, which has not been edited at all:

So I’m a little freaked out right now and also very curious. In your picture you’re holding a red cup – the quintessential container for the casual alcoholic beverage and a staple for any college party. It is my understanding and experience that these “red party cups” are all the same size – 16 oz. And yet in the picture the cup appears thimble-esque as it is being overtaken by your hand. My question is the following: Is the cup just small or the pic out of proportion (probable) OR is your right hand gigantic (hopeful)? If it is indeed the latter, follow up questions: Is your left hand as large as your right? If you were stuck on a raft in the ocean, could you use your giant hand as a sail? At sporting events, could you just dip your hand in your team’s colors and save money by not having to buy a foam hand?

Of course I’m being ridiculous, please laugh and don’t be offended, and respond if you have any answers.

Despite this message’s awesomeness, I never responded. I just couldn’t get past that his profile was so far off from what I was looking for—he was too young, short, very religious, leaned too far to the right, etc. Does my lack of interest despite my love of his sense of humor make me a terrible human being? Probably. But we also know that I have a pretty terrible track record when it comes to choosing men online. So here is my public apology to the mysterious man who wrote this message. I respect you, and I think you’re hilarious. But I still don’t want to date you.

—Raz, 25, NYC

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